The Social Interaction Test Agreement
by FifthAttempt
Summary: Sheldon and Amy meet at the coffee shop, but things do not go well. Alternate Universe.
1. Chapter 1

"Tepid water, please." Amy looked up at the tall man next to her – with his unsmiling blue eyes and oddly innocent face. She was not a believer in "gut" instinct, but she had the feeling that, even though he had passed her few, simple tests, this was going to be a huge mistake. She would, though, as she had promised her mother, follow through on the date and go where it lead, with one exception, "just so you know, all forms of physical contact are off the table." His lips turned up slightly in a simulacrum of a smile that did not reach his eyes.

"Of course," he replied.

"In the interests of scientific inquiry, "he said, "and to keep them", he indicated his two friends, "off my back, I would like to suggest that we meet at least three more times in a social setting, one of which would include my friends and/or yours. One meeting will be at a venue of my choice for an activity of my choice; Another meeting will be at a venue of your choice for an activity of your choice; the third will be at one of our domiciles, depending on whose friends are involved."

"That is an insufficient sample. We would need at least three more meetings. One would be at the venue of your choice for an activity of my choice; Another would be at the venue of my choice for the activity of your choice; and the third would be at the domicile of the person not used initially with the corresponding friends." Amy wondered where she was going to find friends on short notice. "Then, perhaps, if things went well, we could have a seventh meeting at a neutral venue that includes all our friends." She mentally kicked herself, both for suggesting further interaction and even hinting that she had friends.

"Ah, covering all bases, excellent. So we stipulate six meetings in social settings, two of which will include our respective homes and friends. Then a seventh meeting to take place if the previous six prove sufficiently productive. I'll put that in writing." He pulled his laptop out of his messenger bag, opened it, turned it on, pulled up Word, and started typing. "Raj, could you find out if there's a printer here we could use? If not, we'll go to Postal Express next door."

There was a brief stop at the Postal Express, where Sheldon printed out two copies of what he called, provisionally, the "The Social Interaction Test Agreement". After which they adjourned back to the coffee shop, where he insisted that they go through all ten pages of said contract, clause by clause, in order to assure understanding. He then marched them all back to the Postal Express where, in front of the resident Notary Public, they both signed and initialed in the requisite spots and had Raj and Howard sign as witnesses. The notary notarized it and a third copy was made and given to Raj for safekeeping.

"You will note, Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, that it is stipulated that on all mutual social occasions, I will need you to pick me up. I do not have a car, and, in any case, I don't drive. That said, the choice of the first venue and activity is mine, so I choose the Monarch Theater where they will be showing Iron Man 2, after which we will have dinner and then go home. Since it is my venue and my choice of activity, I will purchase the tickets and meal and reimburse you for fuel. I will email you with information about time and date. I hope that, by that time, you will have made a decision about your selections."

As the first "social engagement" ended, Amy's feeling had turned into a certainty. The contract, however, had stipulated that they would endure at least five more such meetings and Amy was a woman of her word. Iron Man 2 was, in her opinion, a silly movie saved only by the surprising character development of Tony Stark and Pepper Potts ("Pepper" Potts – really? Did she have a real name?). When she had mentioned that the Super Hero genre, to her mind, was shallow and derivative and generally more about technology and conflict than people and that she had been agreeably surprised at the depth and complexity of Tony Stark's character and his relationships, Sheldon had become huffy and defensive and had insisted that they expand the terms of the contract to include a home viewing of Iron Man and a viewing of Captain America: The First Avenger as soon as it came out. She had quickly put a stop to that.

"Dr. Cooper, I would suggest that expanding the terms of the contract before we're even certain that we're compatible (She shuddered inwardly) would serve no useful purpose. It's simply an attempt on your part to convince me that something in which I have no interest should interest me." She paused, "I think we should maintain the contract as it is. If we conclude, at the end of the stipulated time, that it is worth continuing, we can include those two activities in a new agreement." She had, initially, thought that the idea of a written contract governing individual social interactions was ludicrous, but now she was grateful for it.

Before she dropped Sheldon off, she informed him of her venue and activity; they would have lunch at The Cheesecake Factory then go to the Heritage Square Museum in Montecito Heights. She, of course, would pay since it was her choice.

She had no way of knowing that Sheldon was a train fanatic.

They had finished their explorations of the Octagon House, a picturesque 19th Century home that had been furnished in the fashion of the day. Amy had been fascinated by the use of textiles the historical details. Sheldon had been silent, but had radiated displeasure.

On exiting the house, he had noticed an old train station – one of the historical displays at the outdoor museum – and with a noticeable lifting of spirits - had dragged Amy to the building.

In spite of Amy's protests and suggestions that they look at the other buildings – six more houses and a church – she could not root him from the spot. They spent the rest of the afternoon poring over displays about the building and railroad history in 19th Century LA. He selected a couple of souvenirs – a detailed replica of a railway car and a book on trains that he had not seen before – and insisted that, because the venue and activity were her choice, she should purchase them for him. He displayed a manic smile that made her somewhat uneasy.

Sheldon was in high spirits on the drive home, and insisted that they play a game. If she hadn't been driving, she would have pounded her head on the steering wheel.

As he exited the car, Sheldon asked whether they were to meet at her place for their next interaction, or his. Since she had not yet found someone to play the part of friend, she said that his place would be fine. She drove off, wondering how it was that Sheldon had friends and she did not.

The evening of the "friends" finally arrived. Sheldon had said that since it was his home and he was hosting the event, he would provide the food and stipulate the activity. She had no idea what to expect, but she was dreading the upcoming ordeal.

Sheldon's friends were all waiting. There were the two friends, Raj and Howard, who had accompanied him to the coffee shop for the first meeting; she nodded her greeting – at least she knew them somewhat. Then there was a tall, willowy, beautiful blond girl – the kind who had made Amy's life a misery when she was in school; her name was Penny. There was another man, who kept staring at Penny as if she were edible and he was starving, named Leonard. The last person to be introduced was a short, busty, blond girl named Bernadette, who was there with Howard and did not seem at all pleased by it.

She noticed that there was no dining table. They were, apparently, supposed to sit around a coffee table of inadequate size and eat there. There was a spread of takeout boxes on said table.

"I didn't know what you would like, so I ordered several things – steamed rice, fried rice, egg flower soup, General Tso's Chicken, Kung Pao Chicken, Broccoli Beef, Sweet and Sour Pork, orange chicken, and, of course, fortune cookies." He looked pleased with himself. "I thought this would be a good time for us to watch Iron Man, but Leonard.." He gave Leonard a look of disapproval, "said no. He said that, because Penny and Bernadette were here, we should pick something with more universal appeal. I don't understand how anyone could think Iron Man doesn't have universal appeal, but that's what he said. So, we'll be watching Star Trek." He smiled his manic smile.

"I don't understand. How can Star Trek be more appealing than Iron Man?" Amy moved toward the couch.

"I don't know either, they're both so great." Sheldon's smile became broader and more alarming.

"Chris Pine," said Penny. "Chris Pine can universally appeal to me any day."

Amy was about to sit down when Sheldon yelped. "Not there! That's my spot! No one sits in my spot!" He rushed over to the couch and moved her one space to her right. "You're my guest. You can sit here, next to me, but you can't sit in my spot."

The evening went downhill from there.


	2. Chapter 2

After the disastrous "friends" evening, Amy was tempted to break the contract. She knew there were no real legal repercussions. The worst that would happen would be that Sheldon and his friends would not be in her life, and she was used to, even preferred, being alone, so that wasn't really a punishment.

Ultimately, she decided to see it through. Her mother would play the guilt card to the hilt if she told her that she had terminated the "relationship" with Sheldon and Amy wasn't quite ready for that.

Sheldon's choice of venue for their fourth date was fortunate. He had kept it general and chosen Griffith Park. Amy suspected that he really wanted to go to the train museum, but the choice of activity _was_ hers. She chose the zoo. She liked observing the primates in a habitat that wasn't constrained by tiny little cages and the demands of research. She was perfectly aware that, while it was closer to natural at the zoo than it was in her lab, it was nothing like monkeys and apes in the wild. Still, it would do until she could get funds for travel. She thought of Diane Fossey with something approaching envy.

She got lost in observing a group of Rhesus monkeys going about their lives – squabbling, eating, mating, flinging feces – doing all the things that wild primates do when not inhibited by artificially imposed social conventions. She was making mental notes (which she would later transcribe to one of her observation journals) when she felt an insistent tugging on her sleeve - tug, tug, tug, pause, tug, tug, tug, pause, tug, tug, tug, extremely long pause. She closed her eyes briefly, stifled a sigh, and turned to see what the badly socialized primate accompanying her wanted.

"What, Sheldon?" They had agreed to given names rather than surnames and honorifics in the interests of efficiency.

"Amy, you've been staring at those monkeys for a full twenty minutes now. I cannot begin to understand what is so fascinating about them. I would like to go see the koalas."

She gave an audible sigh and acquiesced. They would go see the koalas.

Sheldon gave the koalas as much attention as she had given the monkeys. The disturbing smile appeared and widened. She realized that this was a smile of pleasure, even happiness – this was how one knew when Sheldon was enjoying himself. She wondered how long she was going to have to observe koalas, or worse, observe Sheldon.

She wasn't displeased that he was able to find things to enjoy at any of the venues she suggested. She wasn't displeased at the koalas – they were cute, though not as interesting as primates. She had to admit that, while he didn't enjoy or understand her interests, he was good about giving her time to indulge them – very little time and grudgingly, but time, nonetheless. She began wondering why she wasn't able to enjoy his company as much as he seemed to be enjoying hers. She began wondering about her choice of venue. Perhaps, she thought, choosing the Hollywood Bowl and letting him choose the concert would be too restrictive. He had been very open when he chose Griffith park and, even including the koalas, she was enjoying the zoo. She decided to discard the Hollywood Bowl idea. Griffith Park really was an inspired notion – there was something to interest everyone. She found that, while she couldn't really warm to Sheldon as "boyfriend" material, he could be a suitable companion for the occasional outing – as long as she didn't push her own agenda too much. It would also, she noted, serve to limit her mother's interference.

"Sheldon", she said, "we've been looking at the koalas for an even longer time than we looked at the monkeys. I suggest that we take a swing around the zoo, looking at the other animals, stop by the primates one more time, so I can do further observations then, on our way out, we can stop at the koalas again. Is that agreeable to you?"

He looked resigned, "I suppose. As long as we stop by the koalas again. Why _do_ you find monkeys so interesting? As far as I can see, they're not intelligent, display the worst of human behavior, and are not at all clean. All I have to do is look at the people around me to see that. Koalas are, at least," he paused, looking for an appropriate word. He finally sighed and said, "cute."

"I use monkeys in my research. It seems to me that I should have some understanding of how they behave in an environment that more closely approximates their natural surroundings than a lab cage. The zoo isn't the best place to see this, but it's as close as I can come to with my limited travel budget."

"Ah, well. That's logical. Very well." He pondered a moment. "Why do you use monkeys in your research?"

"Because it's illegal to use humans unless they volunteer and there are never enough volunteers. Besides, I'm studying the effects of addiction on the neurological systems and giving humans controlled substances, even as part of a legitimate study, would not be tolerated. Monkeys, as you indicated, approximate human behavior and neurobiology, so we use them – because while it's not ok to force a human to become addicted, it is, apparently, perfectly fine to force an animal."

He nodded. "That seems a roundabout way of doing things, and very illogical. If the study is supposed to lead to better information about the effects of drug addiction on the human nervous system, it follows that one should use humans and not an approximation. Physics is much better in that regard."

"Perhaps, but these are the restrictions with which we have to work."

He snorted.

That was the longest conversation they had had in the time they had spent together.

Amy had decided that, because of the variety of experiences available, Griffith Park would be her selection of venue as well. She fully expected that he would choose to see the trains and had prepared herself for an afternoon of feigning interest.

To her surprise, he chose the observatory. He smiled what she had begun to term his "koala smile".

"I'm surprised, I thought perhaps you would select the travel venue. I know you're fond of trains."

"I am, and ordinarily I would have chosen it, but I want to see the Leonard Nimoy Event Horizon Theater, I understand they have some new programs and they're narrated by him."

"Leonard Nimoy? I seem to remember that he had a small part in the Star Trek movie."

"Small part!? He was the original Spock in The Original Series!" He spoke with reverence. "We will, of course, explore the rest of the observatory, there's a great deal of interest there, but the theater will be an important part of the program." He smiled his koala smile.

Their tour of the observatory was not uninteresting. There were areas of it that she found tedious, but it was, largely, engaging. The night sky show was informative and might have been romantic under other circumstances, using the telescopes was an enlightening experience. The program in the Leonard Nimoy Event Horizon Theater (he insisted that they use the full name) was surprisingly accessible and well-presented. She particularly enjoyed Nimoy's voice, which she found mellifluous and soothing. She half-jokingly mentioned to Sheldon that she might like to get a recording of his voice just because it was so pleasant.

He looked at her oddly for a moment, then disappeared into the crowd.

Her emotions had cycled from startled to alarmed to irritated to angry when he reappeared and thrust a bag into her hands.

"There are three of his CDs in that bag. There's a remastered _Mr. Spock's Music from Outer Space_ , and two others. I hope you enjoy them. I'm pleased that you find his work enjoyable."

Amy was dumbfounded. "I can't accept these," She began.

"Yes you can, you bought me the train car replica and the book. It's only fair that I get you these CDs – you said you wanted a recording of him. Well, now you have three."

Amy was beginning to feel slight twinges of trepidation. The last thing she wanted or needed was Sheldon developing an interest in her.

The following Saturday she picked Sheldon up for the meeting in her home with her "friends". She had, much to her surprise and chagrin, found three people who were willing to come to her place to socialize. She suspected it had much to do with curiosity about Sheldon and the sort of man who would willingly spend time with her. When they arrived, they found Dr. Alice Webb, a fellow neurobiologist, waiting for them. She handed Amy a bakery box. "Cupcakes, Amy. Knowing you, you forgot." Amy was flustered and had a little trouble with the lock. She noticed Alice giving Sheldon the once over and felt something that she had trouble identifying. It shocked her slightly when she recognized it as jealousy. They had just entered her apartment when three other people arrived. Dr. David Talbot and his wife, Dr. Renee Jones-Talbot, both biomedical engineers. With them was Dr. James Paige, a geneticist, who was Alice's sometime boyfriend. "I hope you don't mind, Amy, we couldn't leave Jim behind, he was at loose ends tonight and needed company." Alice looked distinctly displeased.

Oh, Lord, Amy thought to herself, I hope they keep the drama to themselves. The figurative feces flinging of sexually dissatisfied humans was not something she was prepared to endure: or to ask someone else to endure. "Alice," she said quietly, "would you please help me set out the refreshments?"


	3. Chapter 3

Amy's "friends" evening had gone surprisingly well.

Sheldon had, of course, played his arrogant "I'm a theoretical physicist with multiple degrees and I did it all before I was twenty" card and had been gently put in his place by … well, all of them.

Jim had clinched it with the "that's adorable, what have you done lately" play. Sheldon sulked.

To her surprise, she enjoyed herself.

To her surprise, she realized that these people could really be her friends.

To her surprise, Sheldon, once he'd gotten over his sulk, had behaved rather well.

She had had no real plan for the evening – no movie and no games. She couldn't really plan things like that. She'd just gotten people and food together and hoped for the best (while expecting the worst). They'd talked and gotten to know each other and it was … fun.

Alice was the last of the group to leave, having helped with cleanup. As Amy walked with her to the door, she surprised Amy by saying "I'm glad you invited us. We always thought you were sort of stuck up and standoffish so, while we wanted to get to know you, we felt like we wouldn't be welcome. It's easy to forget that people can be shy and a little introverted. Anyway, I'm having some friends over next Saturday. I'd like it if you came – you can even bring Skinny if you want." She nodded in Sheldon's direction. "He's sort of an ass, but, truthfully, most of us academics are and, as asses go, he's not the worst." She laughed. "Jim .. Jim's the worst, See you at work, and thanks again."

Amy grinned, "Thanks for coming. And thanks for the cupcakes. By the way, why did you say why did you say what you did? You know, the 'knowing you' thing."

"Oh, that's easy. This was the 'meet the friends' get together, right? I figured faking it a little wouldn't hurt."

As Alice left, Amy turned back to see … Sheldon – sitting upright on her couch, hands folded, waiting expectantly.

She sighed and went over to sit on the easy chair across from him.

"Sheldon, I think it's time for me to take you home."

"Yes, but, I think we need to take a moment to discuss what comes next."

"Oh. And what, do you think, should come next?"

"I think that we should have the seventh meeting. We choose either one of our apartments or a neutral space, if you will, and have both sets of friends meet. It would be a large group, so I think your place might be too small." He stopped and looked at her as if waiting for something.

"And after that, do you expect to negotiate a new agreement?"

"Perhaps, but right now I want to think about completing this one. I know that you had some reservations about my group of friends as I have some about yours – albeit, I suspect fewer than you have – about my friends, I mean. The Drs. Talbot would have few issues, but Dr. Webb might be subject to unwelcome attention from Howard and Dr. Paige, I think would have even less patience with Raj and Leonard than I do. And while Bernadette, as a doctoral candidate in microbiology, could hold her own, I suspect Penny will be woefully out of her depth. I would stipulate that Penny would not be invited, but then Leonard would just bring her anyway and, where Bernadette goes, Howard follows." He sighed.

"Well, if you really want to go ahead with this, I'll defer to your judgement. The agreement doesn't require the seventh meeting."

"It does if we wish to negotiate further interactions."

Amy looked heavenward and shook her head.

"Very well, but don't schedule it for next Saturday. Alice – Dr. Webb – has invited me to a get together at her place. She extended the invitation to you if you care to accompany me."

"This is most irregular. I did not think of such an eventuality or I could have covered it in the agreement. I don't know how I should respond."

"You could live dangerously and go with me."

He looked stunned.

"Amy, my whole life is predicated on control of my actions and my environment. Everything is planned and scheduled so there will be no unpleasant surprises. In the past few months – since interacting with you – I have come dangerously close to letting go of that control. This … this .. business of attending an impromptu social engagement is … chaotic."

"You mean buying me those CDs was planned?"

"Yes. I had planned, should you have expressed an interest in having something, to get it for you. When you made that statement about wishing to have a recording of Leonard Nimoy's voice, I recalled that there were several in the gift shop and purchased a sufficient quantity to approximate the value of the railroad car and book. It did please me to think that you shared an interest with me."

"Oh." Amy looked completely nonplussed.

"I pride myself on being able to plan for the most minute eventuality, so this engagement at Dr. Webb's has, to use a slang term, blindsided me. As I said, impromptu social engagements …"

"Sheldon," Amy interrupted, "It's not impromptu. She's been planning it, and a week's notice is considered sufficient to be both courteous and adaptable to your schedule. Now, are you able to adjust your schedule in order to accompany me?" Amy could hardly believe what she was saying – she was asking Sheldon out. She, Amy, was pushing herself so far outside her comfort zone that she hardly knew herself. And she was enjoying it. And she was scared about it.

"Very well. I will adjust my schedule. Will you object if I make alternate plans for us should the evening not go well?"

"I will stipulate that we spend enough time there to satisfy good manners – say an hour. If at any time after that hour is up either of us feels sufficiently uncomfortable, the person feeling the discomfort will say a previously agreed upon code word and we will make our excuses and leave. Alice – Dr. Webb – has been very nice to me and I don't wish to offend her. And, no, we don't need a written contract for this. A verbal agreement will suffice."

He looked doubtful, but nodded.

"What word should we use?"

"It should be something that we would not ordinarily use, but that would not sound out of place in conversation – perhaps a current idiom."

"An hour seems excessive, but very well."

As it turned out, a code word was not needed and an hour was not nearly enough time.

Sheldon had, after an initial attempt at flight, found an experimental physicist from UCLA and they had headed off to a corner to have a heated, though enjoyable, discussion about string theory versus quantum loop gravity. Somehow they had managed to find a blank whiteboard and spent the evening happily writing and erasing formulae while wildly gesticulating at each other. Amy had found herself in a small group of psychiatrists and neuroscientists discussing research and the woes of the 'publish or perish' culture in academia. The evening had ended far too soon.


	4. Chapter 4

"Should we extend written invitations to our friends?' Sheldon looked at Amy questioningly.

"Really Sheldon, it's not a formal affair. It's just people with common interests and similar backgrounds meeting to socialize."

"Not all of them have common interests or similar backgrounds. Howard only has a Master's Degree – and no real intention of getting a doctorate. And Penny barely finished a year of community college. I really don't see how they're going to fit in."

"Howard is a problem – and not because of lack of education. Penny could surprise you – she is very comfortable in social situations. I'm sure that, when confronted with something she doesn't understand, she'll cope admirably." Amy dismissed Sheldon's objections. "The question is not who, the question is when and where. That is, if you're sure you want to do this."

"Of course, I do. First of all, it's in the agreement and second, I am required by social convention to reciprocate the hospitality of your friend, Dr. Webb. There's no question about doing it. Now, what should the theme be?"

"Why does there need to be a theme?"

Sheldon was dismayed. "Why does there need to be a theme?! How will people know what to do? What would keep the party together? There needs to be a central organizational factor."

"Sheldon, keep in mind that Alice's party had no theme and it went quite successfully. Even without a theme, you found a person with whom you had common interests and had an enjoyable time."

"Pure chance: we can't assume that it will happen again."

"Are you planning on inviting Dr. Li?"

"Yes, she's a very interesting person – even if her views on Loop Quantum Gravity are wrong."

"Then I predict you'll have no problems. Just remember that, as the host, you will have to, periodically, interact with all the people attending. Now, shall we decide when and where? I would like to contact my friends and extend timely invitations, just as, I'm sure, you would like to inform your friends."

Sheldon grumbled, but complied.

Having the party on the roof of the apartment building went against Sheldon's conception of what constituted a proper party venue. It was outdoors – every outdoor party he'd attended had been a misery of dirt, insects, toxic flora, dangerous fauna, and feral children. He supposed that, since it was on the roof, hence free of the toxic flora, he could work to mitigate the worst of the dirt, and the larger dangerous fauna, like dogs and children, would find it inaccessible, but it was still outside. He voiced his objections then went silent on the subject – it was the only place with enough space for all the people who would be coming. He laid in a supply of insect repellent candles.

When Raj and Penny were invited to the party, they not only gladly accepted, they, unbidden, began to 'help'.

Penny pulled a Weber barbecue out of storage and put herself in charge of grilling. A barbecue would be the perfect summer party, she declared, and went off to purchase hamburger, hot dogs, bratwursts, sliced cheese, buns, beer, and condiments (with Sheldon's money, of course, he _was_ the host). Raj, not to be outdone, brought in tables, chairs, side dishes, and soft drinks. The two of them strung lights where they could and set Sheldon's citronella candles out in an aesthetically pleasing pattern.

Bernadette brought three cheesecakes from the Cheesecake factory, Howard's mother insisted on making a brisket for the occasion. Leonard tried to help but only succeeded in getting in the way.

Sheldon did his best to supervise, or, more precisely, micromanage, but was largely ignored. He did succeed in keeping Leonard from trying to help, for which the others expressed their gratitude.

By the time the guests started to arrive, Sheldon was worn out and contemplating flight. He and Amy greeted guests in what he termed a "criminally lax and informal" fashion, then he retreated to a chair in a corner with a soft drink and a hamburger while Amy, who was realizing that she loved parties, circulated. She rescued Dr. Li and Dr. Webb from Howard and sent Dr. Li in Sheldon's direction. Raj, who had imbibed one beer, joined Sheldon and Dr. Li in their discussion, much to Sheldon's dismay and amazement. Penny was holding court at the grill, surrounded by every unattached male in attendance, much to Leonard's chagrin. Bernadette was engaged in an animated discussion with Dr. Jones-Talbot. The dynamics changed periodically, and the party was not just a success, but a roaring success.

The party wound down shortly after 1:00 a.m. as the guests slowly began to drift out.

Sheldon was exhausted. "It is well past my bedtime. I don't know how I'm supposed to get back on schedule."

Penny was delighted. "Who knew scientists could be so much fun."

Leonard was not delighted. "You don't think I'm fun?"

Howard was ecstatic. "Dr. Li is so into me."

Penny shook her head at him. "Howard, just because a woman talks to you without threatening to call the police or get a restraining order, it doesn't mean she's into you."

Amy looked around with a mixture of elation and dismay. The party had been enjoyable; cleanup was going to be less than enjoyable. She was wondering if she and Sheldon could get away with leaving it until after they'd had some sleep when Penny grabbed her arm. "Amy, you look tired, and I know you've had more to drink than you're used to. You're not in any condition to drive home or stay up cleaning. You're staying at my place. We can come up here and clean tomorrow." She included Sheldon and Leonard in her statement. "I'll just police the coals, then we can head downstairs.

Penny's apartment was the smaller, one-bedroom place across from Sheldon and Leonard's. Penny, Amy noted tiredly, was a less than perfect housekeeper, but, as tired as she was, she didn't care. She wondered if she should get the emergency kit, with toothbrush, pajamas, and a change of underwear, from her car, but she just couldn't deal with the prospect of walking down four flights of stairs and then back up again.

She was startled and dismayed when she realized that she was expected to share the double bed with Penny.

"Don't worry, Amy. The sheets are clean and I have no designs on anyone. You're just not good to drive and, besides, I'm in no mood to fight off Leonard tonight." She muttered something under her breath, then continued. "As boyfriends go, he's ok, and I really do like him a lot better than the others I've dated, but he is just so needy sometimes; and I really need a rest."

"Ok, but I was expecting to sleep on the couch. I have night terrors sometimes, especially when I'm sleeping away from home and I don't want to put you out."

"The couch is massively uncomfortable. And, as for night terrors, I've probably dealt with worse. So, I have a spare nightgown you can use and I always have new toothbrushes on hand." She produced a sleeveless, flimsy-looking nightgown in nearly transparent black that didn't even come to mid-thigh on Amy. "Girl, you've got a cute little figure. You really need to dress it up. We'll talk tomorrow." Amy turned bright red, took the gown and a toothbrush, and got ready for bed.


	5. Chapter 5

Amy woke the next morning feeling nauseous and headachy and wondered where the *expletive deleted* she was. She lay staring at a ceiling not her own and slowly the evening came back to her – including the pleasant buzz she had had for most of the party. _That_ was, she reasoned, why she was feeling so miserable this morning. She gingerly turned her head to the left and saw an unfamiliar clock on an unfamiliar nightstand. It read 11:30. She quickly sat up and just as quickly regretted it. She crawled out of bed and slowly made her way to where she remembered the bathroom to be. This manifestation of nausea and headache, she recalled, was termed a _hangover_ and was caused by a combination of mild alcohol poisoning and dehydration. She reached the toilet just in time.

This was well outside her comfort zone.

She asked herself if the fun was worth the consequences.

She wondered how Sheldon was.

She wondered where Penny was.

The answer to the first question was – maybe.

The answer to the third question was – right in front of her holding out a glass of something that looked like tomato juice with a celery stalk in it.

"Hair of the dog, Amy. Drink it and you'll feel better."

"Dog hair? How will that help?"

Penny laughed, "it's just a saying – 'hair of the dog that bit you' – there's no dog hair in it, but it will make you feel better: temporarily. After that you should eat something, take a couple of aspirin, and get some caffeine inside you."

"Ugh, food. I'm not sure I can eat."

"You can and you will. Drink your Bloody Mary, brush your teeth – that'll help, trust me – and come out to the living room. I'll have some toast and tea ready."

Amy complied. The drink did help. The nausea and headache abated and she felt that she might be able to manage some tea and toast. Getting the bad taste out of her mouth certainly didn't do any harm. She walked out to the living room, saw Sheldon sitting on the couch and dashed back into the bedroom. She peeked out the door. Yes, he was still there, it wasn't an alcohol-induced hallucination.

"Amy, are you all right?" He _sounded_ concerned.

"I'm fine; I just wasn't expecting you to be here."

"Obviously, or you would have been wearing something more - opaque."

She groaned.

"Shall I leave and come back when you are more appropriately attired?"

"Please, I would appreciate that."

"Very well, I will return in three quarters of an hour."

He left. She came back into the living room/kitchen, sat at the counter where her toast and tea cooled, glared at Penny, and sighed deeply.

"Sorry, Amy. I guess I wasn't thinking." Penny didn't look the least sorry, but Amy decided not to pursue it. "Anyway, we'll have to go up and clean up after the party and the clothes you wore last night won't really work for the job. I think I have something that will fit you and will be comfortable for the work we have to do."

"It won't be transparent, will it?"

"No, of course not."

The slightly too snug red yoga pants and the too snug white tank top with a lace detail barely covering her cleavage were not, as Penny had promised, transparent. They did, however, show off far more than was comfortable as far as Amy was concerned.

"You really do have a cute figure, Amy. You need to show it off. Even if Sheldon doesn't work for you, there are a lot of normal guys who'd be after you in a hot minute."

"Like Howard?'

"Howard isn't normal. But if he bothers you, number one, just give him a smack on the nose and he'll leave you alone and, number two, let Bernadette know and she'll give him a smack on the nose and he'll leave you alone."

"Violence?"

"For a smart guy, Howard doesn't have a clear understanding of the word 'no'. You have to reinforce it."

Amy, the neurobiologist, understood this.

Sheldon, as promised, returned precisely three quarters of an hour later. He looked startled and a little discomfited by her clothing, but said nothing. He did, however, hem and haw a great deal.

He immediately jumped to plans for a new Social Interaction Test Agreement. Penny cut him short.

"First we get the roof cleaned up. Then you and Amy can discuss any further plans you want to make together. Now, let's get upstairs."

Amy was relieved. She was really not ready to talk to him about more "dates".

Leonard and Raj were waiting on the roof. When they saw Amy, Leonard gulped and Raj's eyes widened significantly. Penny smirked. Amy turned bright red.

The roof was a disaster. Penny put on some music – not something Amy would have played – and got everyone organized. As is usual, it took longer to clean the mess than it did to make it, but Penny did have a way of making it fun. She handed out trash bags and started dancing around the roof, picking up trash to the beat of something by Lady Gaga. When they finished they had seven bags of trash and three bags of recyclables, the tables, chairs, unused cutlery and disposable dishes had been put away, the grill had been cleaned and put back in storage, and the decorations had been taken down, boxed up, and returned home – including Sheldon's candles.

As they carried the trash bags to the dumpsters, Sheldon tried to reopen the agreement discussion. Amy shook her head.

"Not now Sheldon. I'm hot, I'm in need of a shower and a change of clothes, I'm tired, and I'm hungry. I have things I have to do at home. If you think it's necessary to do this, let's set up a time and place to do it. I suggest tomorrow afternoon. Possibly we can have the discussion at the coffee shop where we first met." She smiled slightly; she was rather pleased with herself, after all. She, with Penny's help, had taken control of the situation. If Sheldon wanted to continue their "relationship", she would have more than a little to say about it. The reaction of the other men had boosted her confidence and she was feeling it. Penny winked at her.

Sheldon had no choice but to acquiesce.


	6. Chapter 6

Amy sat at a corner table in the coffee shop, sipping iced tea, and waiting for Sheldon. She had arrived a few minutes early in order to have time to think. She was sure of what she wanted to say, but unsure of how to say it. She had talked to Alice and Penny both and they had both been, surprisingly, in agreement about how they would handle someone like Sheldon, though not, necessarily how she should handle him. Still, the information would be useful.

The past few weeks had been interesting. She had learned a great deal about herself and about others. She was an introvert, she needed time alone, but she also needed friends, not many friends, but a few she could call good friends. She wanted, not needed, but wanted, a significant relationship. Sheldon was a viable candidate, but only if she could put the relationship on equal footing and she knew that he would want to control their interactions- given that he would even want to continue them.

She had taken care with her appearance. She had, as Penny suggested, purchased a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that morning. They were, as Penny would say, not earth-shaking, but the jeans did fit well and did justice to her figure while the vivid red of the t-shirt, with its three-quarter sleeves and modestly scooped neckline, went well with her complexion. She'd played with her hair for a good hour before finally just piling it on top of her head in a messy bun like the one she wore in the lab in order to keep her hair out of the way. She'd even put on a touch of lipstick. There was nothing to do about the glasses on short notice, but the salesperson at Old Navy had said something that felt like a compliment about "hipster glasses" and "geek chic". She looked, with those small changes, completely different from the Amy who had, a scant two and a half months ago, met Sheldon, for the first time, in this very coffee shop.

She looked at her phone and noted that it was 2:45 pm, the time she and Sheldon had agreed upon for their meeting. She looked up towards the door and there he was, punctual as usual. He was looking around and giving every indication of not seeing what he expected to see. She raised her hand and waved to him. She noted that Rajesh and Howard were in attendance, but had taken a table on the other side of the shop. They both smiled at her. Howard waggled his eyebrows and mouthed a "lookin' gooooood' at her.

He walked over to her table. "I see you've been taking 'look like a slut' lessons from Penny. Really, if…"

She stood and cut him off. "If that's how you're going to be, then this meeting is over. Good-bye." She started toward the door.

"Wait!" She kept walking. "Please! Wait!" She stopped and turned, looking at him expectantly.

"I … don't know what to say."

"You could start by apologizing for insulting both Penny and me."

He looked confused. "How did I insult either one of you?"

"For an intelligent man, you're remarkably dim. Think about it. You insulted Penny's mode of attire, calling it sluttish when it isn't. You insulted me twice when you implied that I had allowed Penny undue control over my choice of clothes and when you called those clothes sluttish. You're trying to impose your definition of what is appropriate on me and on everyone else in your life. You need to stop doing that. The only person you're allowed to criticize or control is you." She paused, astonished at herself for both the length and content of her speech. Then she continued. "You try to do it to everyone – Howard, Leonard, Rajesh… I don't know why they put up with you. And, if you want _me_ to put up with you, you're going to have to make an effort to stop controlling every little thing." She took a deep breath. "And I'll put that in writing and have it signed and notarized if you like."

"Well, I … really! I had come here in order to propose an extension of our social interaction agreement, but if that's the way you feel, perhaps I won't."

"That's your choice. Personally, I think an agreement is so much … what's the word you use? Poppycock? If, and that's a big if, we want to continue to see each other socially, we don't need a written agreement. All we need to do is continue. If either one of us has doubts about continuing the relationship, then this meeting is pointless. That being the case, I'm leaving." She started out the door.

"You're being hasty."

"Hardly." She continued walking.

"Wait. Even if we don't continue seeing each other socially, we still need to discuss what went wrong, so you don't do it again with someone else."

She stopped and turned. "So _I_ don't do it again!? How about so _you_ don't do it again, you socially retarded toddler?" She left.

He sat, gaping at the door, for a full five minutes before what had happened registered with him.

Raj and Howard joined him. "What happened Sheldon? Looks like someone called you on your bullshit." Howard smirked

"She made a mistake. She'll soon realize her error and come back. Then we'll discuss how to continue."

"She's not coming back, dude." Raj said. "If you want to talk to her, you're going to have to go to her."

"That's preposterous. _She_ made the error; _she's_ the one who has to fix it. And that means she has to come to me."

"Oh, Sheldon," Howard shook his head. "And people think I'm clueless. Come on, let's get you home."

"No. We can't leave yet. I have to be here when she comes back to apologize."

"No, we don't. Because she's not coming back. If you want to talk to her, you're the one who has to make the first move. She's done.

"But …"

"No. This is like a game. She rolled the d-20 and demolished Sheldor. Now it's your turn. Figure out your response and hope the dice favor you. Right now, though, she's got it all – comeliness, charisma, and intelligence. I'm not sure, at this point, what you have."

He looked, wistfully, at the door. "Perhaps you're right. If I'm here when she comes back, it would make me look too eager. Whereas, if I'm not, it would serve to drive home the lesson that I'm not to be trifled with. Let's go." He gathered up his belongings. "If I play hard to get, that should force her to come around, right?"

The others just shook their heads.

Amy's car was parked in front of the apartment building when Sheldon, Howard, and Raj arrived.

"She's here! I knew she would realize her error and come to me." He started up the stairs, almost running.

He burst into his apartment. "Amy, I'm glad to see that you've realized … the … mistake …" He looked around, not seeing her anywhere. "Where is she? Her car is downstairs, so she must be here."

Leonard, who had been getting a soft drink, looked at Sheldon owlishly. "Where's who."

"Amy. Her car is downstairs. Where is she?"

"She's not here."

"She has to be. Where else would she be?"

"At Penny's?"

"Nonsense. I'm the one she mistreated. I'm the one she needs to talk to. Why would she need to see Penny?"

"Maybe because they're becoming friends?"

Sheldon sat down. "But she needs to talk to me."

Howard sat next to him. "No, Sheldon. You need to talk to her; she doesn't need to talk to you at all. This is all you, Shelly."


	7. Chapter 7

"Ugh. This weekend has been … ambiguous!" Amy sat in Penny's apartment, sipping a glass of wine. "The party was great. I had fun. But after that everything fell apart."

Penny was at the kitchen island, pouring herself another glass of wine. "Did the meeting with Sheldon go that badly?"

"What meeting? He was an ass, so I walked out on him."

Penny perked up. "Oh?"

"He insulted both of us, you and me; he wouldn't apologize; he implied that, if anything went wrong between us for the past two and a half months, it was my fault; he was just an ass. So I walked out on him – not before I called him a socially retarded toddler and told him to stop trying to control people."

"Wow. Good for you."

"Really? Because I don't feel good. I feel like should have had more patience with and at least heard him out."

"Amy, you took control and didn't let him take it back. That's good. I've watched him in action. That's how he manages the guys – he takes control and doesn't let go. He needs someone who'll do that with him.

You're right that he's essentially a toddler – he doesn't realize that the world doesn't revolve around him. I guess his Mom didn't know how to push him out of the nest and now he's a grown man who thinks any nest belongs to him and any person in his life is a part of him, like an arm or a leg or something. Anyway, I'm getting off track. You can't second guess yourself, because then he'll get control and then you either won't have a relationship or he'll control the relationship."

"I don't really want to be in control, I just don't want to be controlled."

"Exactly. And, in order to keep from being controlled you have to start out in control. You may have to keep control for a while, until he gets how it feels to be on the receiving end of being controlled. Then you can talk about a fair relationship. Basically, your choice is between the possibility of losing him and reality of losing yourself. I don't think that, at this stage of the game, losing him would _be_ a loss. There are enough men around, if you really want a relationship, that you don't need to settle. "

"Penny, sometimes I think you may be the smartest person in the room."

Penny chuckled. "I didn't even finish one year of college. And it was a community college at that. I'm not smart."

'There are different kinds of intelligence and different ways of learning. We 'geeks' have academic intelligence, but we're not always intelligent about living. We're very good with microscopes and equations, but not always with people. You're a natural psychologist – you observe people and learn about them, then you apply what you've learned."

"Really? Because I don't seem to have learned much about making good choices where men are concerned."

'You mean Leonard? He's a little wimpy, but not bad."

"No, not Leonard. He's the best of them, so far. Most of them though, have been losers and borderline abusers. Leonard, if anything is just the opposite. He's intelligent and hardworking. The problem is, it's too easy to abuse him. He just takes it. I'd love for him to stand up for himself once in a while and _not_ be passive-aggressive and whiny. I would really like to find a man who's all grown up."

"I don't think they exist: at least not as unattached specimens."

"So you're saying that all the good ones are taken."

"No. I'm saying that all the taken ones - that stay taken - become good because they're taken and they want to stay that way. Wait, that's a complete oversimplification. What I mean is that, in good relationships, people become 'all grown up'."

"Have you ever seen a good relationship?"

"No. Have you?"

"Yeah. My grandparents – my father's parents. They finish each other's sentences and they're always smiling at each other – not fake smiles, but real 'I'm so happy I'm with you' smiles." Penny smiled fondly. "I always wanted a relationship like that."

"Well, it goes without saying; you have to work at it."

"Or, not to shock your virgin ears but, as my grandma says"'when you're doing someone you love, it's not work'."

Amy giggled. "And what does your grandfather say?"

"Nothing. He just waggles his eyebrows and pinches her bottom."

Amy laughed out loud. "I can't see Sheldon or Leonard doing that. Maybe Howard, but not them." She paused, considering for a minute. "You know, with Sheldon, maybe a written agreement _is_ the best way to approach things. He really is clueless about how people interact and how to read social cues. I'm not much better, but I think I can learn from experience and, it seems, I have some people in my life now who are willing to let me know, without judgement, when I've crossed a line.

I'm going to propose to Sheldon that we each write a tentative agreement and exchange them. We can then each edit the other's plan. We can then discuss the changes and, if both agree, consolidate the two into an actual relationship agreement."

"That's going to require compromise. I think _you_ can do it, but I doubt Sheldon can."

"We'll just have to wait and see. Anyway, once I've written my version of the agreement, I think I'll want to go over it with you and Bernadette, I don't want to leave any loopholes. And I most definitely want it to be to my advantage."

"You know he'll veto anything that doesn't favor him."

"It'll be interesting, won't it – trying to out-Sheldon Sheldon."


	8. Chapter 8

Amy handed her completed agreement to Sheldon and waited, arms folded. He looked at her grumpily, and then handed his over.

"So, you say that we are to meet again, in one week's time. At which point we will return the agreements, with our requested amendments, to each other?"

"Yes. Do you want that in writing? Shall we have an agreement about writing agreements?" Amy was stifling a smile.

"Hmm," Sheldon was actually thinking about it. "It does seem logical. Let me think further about that."

"First things first. We do this, and then we can worry about an agreement agreement." Amy bit back a laugh. It was hilarious, she thought, that he would actually think about a written agreement about the writing of agreements.

The week passed quickly. Amy had gone over his draft of the agreement and crossed out most of it, she suspected that he had done the same. She had, however, written in 'each item of dispute shall be negotiated face to face and agreement reached on a case by case basis. If agreement cannot be reached, a neutral third party, agreed on by both parties, shall arbitrate and make the final decision. If agreement still cannot be reached, it shall be considered sufficient to end the relationship'. Sheldon, she thought, would never put something like that in an agreement, nor would he want to accept it as the sole parameter of their agreement. But she would hold fast. She typed a clean copy, with spaces for signatures, dates, and a notary, if desired, and printed it out.

She showed it to Penny.

"Well?"

"It says in three sentences what your original said in 20 pages."

"I know." Amy grinned.

"Sheldon will have kittens."

"That would be fun to see. By the way," she tucked the paper in her briefcase, "did you ever talk to Leonard about your concerns?"

"Sort of."

"What do you mean 'sort of'?"

"Well, I told him that we needed to talk. He panicked. To him, I guess, 'we need to talk', means 'we're breaking up'. I managed to calm him down, but I couldn't get him back on topic. I think I'm going to suggest couples' counseling."

Amy looked at her thoughtfully; you really do want it to work, don't you."

"I do. I'm tired of dating losers. I'm tired of trying to find the perfect man, especially when I know damn good and well that he doesn't exist. This doesn't mean I want to settle for just anybody. Leonard's the best I've found. Like I said, he's smart, well-educated, hardworking, and kind of cute in a nerdy, geeky way. I just want him to get it through his head that he can stand up to people without the world coming to an end."

"You know, if this thing with Sheldon works out, I may suggest couple's counseling, too. Since he's so obsessed with written agreements, maybe I can work it into one. Once it's on paper and he's agreed to it, he can't say no."

Penny nodded, "Once we get our problems sorted out, maybe we can start working on Howard and Bernadette."

"And Raj."

"Raj and who?"

"At this point? Just Raj."

"Amy, can I ask a question?"

"May I. But, yes. Answers aren't guaranteed."

"You sound like my mother. Anyway, you barely know Sheldon, so why are you so intent on dating him?"

"I don't know. Maybe because he's a challenge. Maybe because, to me at least, he's attractive. Maybe because I've been looking for the right man for a lot longer than you and I'm getting tired of it. Maybe because it's nice to find a man who is, arguably, at least as intelligent as I am. Maybe because it gets my mother off my back. Maybe all of those things. Anyway, it's time to confront the Sheldon in his den."

Sheldon greeted her at the door, papers in hand, and escorted her to his desk with great gravity, as if what they were to discuss was of world-shaking importance. He seated her to the left, facing him, then took his seat, leaning back, his legs crossed with his ankle on his knee. Amy recognized what he was doing as a display of dominance, an attempt to take control of the proceedings. She smiled, rose, and moved between him and his desk, leaning on its edge. Doing this, she got into his personal space and forced him to look up at her. She loved the politics of body language.

"Perhaps" he said, "we would be more comfortable discussing this in the living room."

She nodded assent. They moved to the living room. He sat in his 'spot' and indicated that she should sit in the easy chair. She sat next to him, on the couch, smiling. He fidgeted for a moment, pretending to sort the papers, then began.

"I confess, I didn't quite know what to make of what you wrote in this." He waved the papers in his left hand. "What did you think of mine?"

"I had my attorney look at it." She hadn't. "Everything in it was to your advantage. I found that quite unacceptable. I took the liberty of making revisions." She pulled her briefcase onto her lap and opened it, then removed both his original agreement and her single sheet of paper and handed them to him. She closed the briefcase, put it next to her on the couch, and leaned back in an open position, legs stretched out in front of her, crossed at the ankles with every appearance of comfort and waited.

He looked at his original, with everything crossed out except their names and the date, with alarm. Then he looked at the single sheet.

"This is unacceptable!"

"Take it or leave it."

He stared at her, unbelieving, for a good minute, then put his original down on the coffee table. He looked from her page to her and back again. Then said, "Do I have no choice?"

"You do. You can accept it or reject it. If you accept it, we go forward. If you reject it, we're over."

He accepted it.

 _Stay tuned._


End file.
